And Introduction To Rekindle

As Esther Perel, the Belgian Psychotherapist, says,

“The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.”

In the coming weeks, each Wednesday, we will share excerpts from our upcoming book launch and online program “Rekindle, Living Without Fear, Loving Without Limits.”

Many thanks to Lucy Martinez and Matt Zemon for assisting with the heavy lifting of the marketing and branding for our program. Lucy and Matt intervened mercifully and saved me from my worst instincts. Kudos to my writing partner and sidekick on this grand adventure, Ms. Anuradha Gandhi.

My husband, Rich Russakoff, deserves all the credit in the world for his consistent, compassionate support and enthusiasm for life, love, and learning.

So what is this Rekindle “stuff” all about?

Relationships are messy and unpredictable. The marriage of 2022 is full of challenges that didn’t exist in 1922. The last 100 years of human history have entirely changed the relationship climate without a clear set of “new rules” to step into.

Modern relationships turn into sinking ships far too often, and the odds can seem stacked against us.

• 50% of marriages in the USA end in divorce.

• 60% of second marriages end in divorce.

• 73% of third marriages end in divorce.

Yikes!

Once upon a time, marriage was the norm for adults in America. But now, for the first time since the Bureau of Labor Statistics began tracking these numbers in 1976, there are more single Americans than married Americans. That is a huge change. About 50.2 percent — or 124.6 million American adults — are single. In 1950, that number was about 22 percent. Today, for many, the companionship provided by a pet replaces spouses. Pets are often described as providing companionship, emotional support, security, or a sense of “home.”

What an odd disconnect. Two of the three top-grossing motion pictures of all time are Titanic, and Avatar, blockbuster films with love stories at the core. Although we are suckers for a great love story, we struggle to create one for ourselves.

This was my problem as well.

The great news is that it is possible to be in intimate contact with another human being and be in harmony with oneself and the other. Hallelujah!
As the saying goes, it is simple but it’s not easy.

The experience of discovering and uncovering what it means to be elastic in a marriage is the blueprint for the Rekindle program. And Rich can certainly testify that we have stretched ourselves in growing into what we share today.

And what we are sharing today is well worth the effort. Stay tuned in the upcoming weeks as we share more about the challenges and rewards of being in a sustainable renewable relationship full of passion, connection, and romance. It’s delicious.

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Rekindle Lesson: Emotional Currency – The Real Deal

Think of your emotional life as a bank; you put in the emotions that feel good to you (joy, gratitude, empathy). And, like most banks, there are fees. Sometimes you deal with tough but necessary emotions, like anger or fear, two emotions that can drain your account. Like an actual bank, your account belongs to you and is your business. No one has the right to access your account; how you spend your emotional currency is up to you.

You can decide what you put in your emotional bank account and what you take out. If you find that you are taking too many withdrawals and not making enough deposits, then it’s time for a reset. If your bank account were close to being overdrawn, you would immediately stop withdrawals and focus on getting money back into that account. It is the same with your emotional bank. You choose when and how to fill yourself up.

People often make the mistake of thinking that if they are close to someone, they have the right to influence that person’s emotions. It can be challenging and overwhelming if family, friends, and coworkers feel that they have unrestricted access to your emotional bank. If they assume they can reach into your account and make changes, you must hold the line and let them know that is not true.

You are the only person who can decide what you think and feel. Are you spending your emotional currency wisely? Are you letting other people make withdrawals and deposits without your consent?

Here are a few ways to monitor the usage of your emotional currency:

• Take time to make sense of your thoughts & experiences. Process your emotions at your rhythm and pace. If someone asks for your emotional currency (input or output) before you are ready, you can say no. “No, I am unable to do that at the moment.” The extent of the explanation is up to you.

• Talk to and spend time with people that make you feel valuable. Your worth is inherent to who you are. Your emotional currency (whatever you feel) is a part of you. Be with people that honor your emotional value.

• Keep your word to yourself. If you’ve refilled your emotional bank account, honor it. Pay attention to your emotional needs. Do the things that make you feel emotionally wealthy.

• Whenever you are working towards a goal or helping someone, check in with yourself and ask: is this a withdrawal or a deposit? Just inquire. Then decide on how much or how little to keep giving or doing.

You oversee your emotional currency. You can be prosperous, or you can be impoverished. It’s all in your hands. The myth that someone else has power over your emotions is officially debunked! 

Now the real deal begins; how do you want to build up your emotional bank account? The sky’s the limit, or rather, consider that there are no limits to your emotional wealth. Really. What do you want to feel, and what do you want to create? The power is yours.